A graduate student in epidemiology working in the field leads a perilous life, as Wouter Graumans discovered when he came down with a serious case of food poisoning while visiting Burkina Faso to study infectious diseases. He may have also had a touch of delirium, as his experience prompted him to wonder how James Bond, Britain's most famous secret agent, managed to travel all around the world without picking up so much as a case of the sniffles.
Graumans, who is working on his PhD at Radboud University Medical Center in the Netherlands, decided to undertake an epidemiological analysis of all 25 Bond films between 1962 and 2021. He found willing accomplices in Teun Bousema, an epidemiologist, and Will Stone, who studies malaria, both affiliated with the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine in England.
The result is a highly entertaining, tongue-in-cheek short paper in the journal Travel Medicine and Infectious Disease. The paper details 007's exposure risk to infectious agents during his global travels, covering everything from foodborne pathogens to ticks and mites, hangovers and dehydration from all those martinis, parasites, and unsafe sex. (The authors' emails requesting funding from EON Productions sadly went unanswered.)
Conducting the study meant rewatching all 25 James Bond films, representing a time investment of about 3,113 minutes per author—hours "that were not spent on more pressing societal issues or forms of relaxation that are more acceptable in academic circles," the researchers wrote. In all, they counted 86 international journeys to 46 different countries and based their analysis on the Centers for Disease Control's travel recommendations for each of those countries. They excluded Bond's trip to space to attack Hugo Drax's space station in Moonraker on the grounds that "travel advice for this region is currently unavailable."
Foodborne pathogens are an obvious risk factor for global travelers (as Graumans can attest). For instance, in Live and Let Die, Bond faces a horde of hungry crocodiles on an island but manages to distract them by tossing pieces of raw chicken at them. But did 007 wash his hands afterward? He most certainly did not, being preoccupied with blowing up a drug lab and engaging in a daring speedboat pursuit. The authors note that raw chicken is known to sometimes carry bacteria like Campylobacter, Salmonella, and Clostridium, all of which can cause severe diarrhea.
What about 007's famous penchant for martinis that are shaken, not stirred? We hardly ever see Bond drink anything non-alcoholic, according to the authors, yet he never seems to experience a hangover. He drinks orange juice in From Russia With Love, (poisoned) coffee in Dr. No, and saltwater in Casino Royale—the latter solely to induce vomiting after his drink (a Vesper) is poisoned mid-poker tournament. Apart from the constant risk of poisoning, Bond also risks dehydration, heatstroke, or sunstroke, since he engages in very strenuous physical activity, often in very hot environments, while eschewing sunscreen. He increases his dehydration risk even further in The Spy Who Loved Me by doing all of this in a black three-piece suit—hardly health-appropriate attire under the circumstances.
Then there's the matter of sex. James Bond has always been quite the ladies' man—Graumans et al. counted 59 "amorous activities" across 25 films for an average of 2.4 per film—and he's not particularly diligent about safe-sex practices. He beds a woman in Thunderball within 20 minutes of meeting her, which leaves little time to exchange information on past sexual histories or preferences for contraception.
That said, it's the women who appear to be at greatest risk in these encounters. A "shockingly high percentage" (27.1 percent) of Bond's sexual partners die shortly after sleeping with him—and not because of any STDs Bond might be spreading. The women tend to die violent deaths—like poor Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton) in Goldfinger, whose bikini-clad body Bond discovers lying face-down on the bed they recently shared, covered in gold paint, which caused her to expire from "skin suffocation."
Bond also faces potential health risks from the many dangerous bugs that inhabit some of the exotic locations he visits. For instance, in You Only Live Twice, Bond must hike for hours through swaying tall grass in Japanese mountains. The authors approve of 007's choice to wear long pants (unlike his bikini-clad female companion). Grasslands like this are often infested with ticks—which can transmit deadly pathogens like the virus that causes meningitis—and mites, which carry bacteria that can cause scrub typhus. "Bond is likely to have benefitted from his partner's relative lack of clothing," the authors note. "Given a choice between hosts, a bathing suit provides far greater opportunity for successful blood feeding."
The biggest stretch in Graumans et al.'s analysis is that of feline-borne Toxoplasmosis, a parasite carried by cats. Those who contract the parasite tend to exhibit reckless behavior, such as mice losing their fear of cats. Bond engages in all manner of reckless behavior, and the authors suggest he may have contracted the parasite from Ernst Stavro Blofeld's fluffy white Persian cat (featured in both From Russia With Love and Spectre). The possibility is admittedly far-fetched, but isn't that the essence of a good Bond film?
Don't even get the authors started on Bond's cavalier attitude toward safety measures when he goes diving with no thought to the risk of decompression sickness. "Overall, we found Bond poorly prepared for travel-associated health risks and particularly naive to the threat of infectious disease," the authors concluded, calling out MI6 for negligence in this regard. "Given the central role that agents with the double-0 status have in international counter-terrorism activities, we sincerely hope that MI6 will take its responsibility seriously. We only live once."
I hereby nominate this paper as a contender for an Ig Nobel Prize. And of course, I eagerly await the Austin Powers-like Bond parody film involving 007 combating all of the above as he tries to complete his missions.
DOI: Travel Medicine and Infectious Disease, 2021. 10.1016/j.tmaid.2021.102175 (About DOIs).
